I can’t help but to laugh while writing this next section. There was so much suffering for such a prolonged amount of time, it was absolutely crazy! I was totally incapacitated and unable to work for 12 months straight. Think of your worst alcohol hangover and stretch it for an entire year!
As a loose concept it could be described that this phase was a time of deep detox where suppressed trauma, suffering and pain were coming to the surface. It was also a time where the personal will was no longer receiving any life force and hence was being starved off.
There is simply so much to talk about I can’t go in to all the details. However, to provide a rough idea I have chosen four of the most relevant symptoms for those that might find themselves in their own Post-Awakening Roller Coaster.
Vibration in the body
At times the suffering was so intense but when I looked at my situation, I noticed that, on occasions the suffering wasn’t on a physical, mental or emotional level. The only way I can attempt to describe it was that the suffering was on a level of vibration, so fine that it could not be perceived physically but more on an energetic level. It was like all the cells in my body were warring with each other. I can imagine that when a heroin addict is going cold turkey that they are experiencing something similar. As this lasted for such long periods, one becomes slightly accustomed to the suffering, however on occasions I would catch myself with a look of absolute disgust on my face. Not knowing that I was making that face it would be a reminder of how difficult this unfolding was. In the moment it felt as if I needed to cry for a hundred years, however that would be a form of relief and this was a time for suffering.
For a period of 6 months I was spending between 16 and 20 hours a day in bed. My room basically turned into a hospital ward. I remember so vividly that I would get up at around 5pm, open the curtains and a few hours later be closing them again and getting ready for bed. My entire life and energy during this time revolved around keeping my house tidy and trying my best to put meals together, that was literally all I could do.
After dragging myself out of bed and having a shower, which took immense motivation and effort, I would often emotionally breakdown realising that I had depleted all of my energy and now had to go back to bed.
At one stage I saw a doctor and he advised me to just focus on completing one task each day with that task being - going for a walk. I thought to myself, getting out of bed is one task, going to the toilet is another task, making breakfast is another task. Going for a walk would be around task number 15. I didn’t bother communicating this to him as it was almost impossible to believe my circumstance. In addition, because I didn’t want to talk or interact with anyone I didn’t reach out to friends or family.
On the days that I had the tiniest bit of energy and motivation left over after doing my daily chores I would invest that into finding a way to kill myself. Out of sympathy for myself I wanted to die, but literally didn’t have the energy to execute it.
‘Hope’ combined with expectation is what we call living in the future; this creates fertile grounds for disappointment or in other words, suffering. Awakening is a process which results in us living in the now, hence ‘hope’ dissolves away. During this awakening process the strength of personal desire also decreases significantly. So now with the combination of ‘hope’ and ‘desire’ no longer being present it is very hard to justify to continue to physically suffer.
My conditioning was saying that I “should” stay alive, while my self-compassion saw clearly that the most humane thing to do was to put myself down.
Eventually I was able to get my rifle from my dad’s and give myself the opportunity to die. That night I drove to the shops and bought myself a pizza, some chocolate and a coke; a little “going away party” for myself. I was sitting on my sofa with my rifle loaded, up against my head and finger on the trigger. I was hoping to die, however by this stage my understanding was so deep that if I was to find myself still alive and suffering that that was just simply meant to be. So, it wasn’t a surprise when the rifle was put down and I took myself to hospital. There was personal disappointment that it didn’t happen but there was a deeper knowing that reality is as it is, and hence it was reluctantly accepted and laughed off in disbelief.
Absence of Personal-Based Motivation
What better way to remove the personal will than to stop providing it with energy?
Life put me in a position where the illusion of personal will and choice was completely removed. It is difficult to describe unless you have experienced it yourself but basically, if motivation for a task came from personal desire it was denied. Only tasks inspired by life in the moment were given energy.
Multiple times a day I was denied executing tasks that were previously so easy. From replying to a text message to buying a present for a family member, to putting on a load of washing to vacuuming the house; if it wasn’t supported by life in that moment it wouldn’t happen no matter how hard the ego fought or what the consequences may be. As an example, I was planning my grandmother’s 80th birthday for 2 years and then didn’t attend. Adjusting to this awakening was extremely difficult as it seemed I might lose my friends, family, physical health and financial health. Naturally, I resisted for many months until I finally surrendered; I now live my life from this new position.